


Faith

by chickenfried



Series: Who We Are, What We Do [3]
Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: F/F, F/M, Insecurity, M/M, Misunderstandings, Past Drug Addiction, Secret Identity, Slow To Update
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-30
Updated: 2017-08-06
Packaged: 2018-09-13 12:19:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,496
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9123334
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chickenfried/pseuds/chickenfried
Summary: the part in which plot actually happens





	1. prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for the support so far of this series, I really appreciate the kudos and the reviews especially. I'll do what I can to update this, but knowing myself it'll be slow going.

Something in Barry settles after Christmas. The Reverse Flash was never even in danger of being caught by their trap and Barry is more determined than ever to catch him. Barry feels closer to Iris than ever after their heart to heart and he's been talking to Len almost every day.  He'd been seriously considering ending things with him completely after the reappearance of the man in yellow, but after his conversation with his dad, Barry was going to see things through. It was undeniable that he cared for Len, and Barry got a warm feeling in his chest whenever he thought of the older man returning those feelings.

"I want to see you."

Despite talking on the phone, they haven't met face to face since their date before Christmas.

"Me too, but I'm so swamped-"

"Go out to dinner!" Joe yells from another room.

"Just a minute, sorry." Barry covers the receiver with his palm. "Joe, I still haven't finished that report from last week and Caitlin wanted to-"

Iris pulls away the paperwork in front of him.

"Take the night off." Her tone leaves no room for argument.

Barry huffs, but it's nice to have Iris actually encourage him to spend time with Len. She still didn't like the idea, but was being surprisingly supportive. She looks pointedly at his phone until Barry brings it back up to his ear. 

"Hey Len, are you still there?"

"I'll be at the Chinese place on Front around 6. Don't worry if you can't make it."

Barry twists his lips excitement bubbling in his stomach. "I'll be there."

Joe claps him on the back as he makes his way to the kitchen.

 

"You look exhausted."

"Hey Len, it's good to see you. You're looking great yourself."

Len ruffles Barry's hair as he helps him out of his coat. Honestly though, Len looks as handsome as always in dark cashmere, light glinting off the silver in his hair. "We could order something in if you want?"

Barry pulls away from where he was leaning in to the touch and sits at the table, enjoying the smell of spices and fried food. "That's okay, I really do have to go run some other errands after this anyway."

Len frowns looking him up and down. "You work too much."

Barry shrugs, swallowing the eggroll he'd picked up from the table. "Only as much as I want to. Have you eaten any of these yet?"

Len's frown softens. "They're all for you."

Barry grins and digs in, grateful that Len had never been perturbed by his appetite. With all the training Barry had been doing he could probably eat the restaurant out of stock, but he sticks to two full courses. It's nice, having dinner with Len. Despite all the time they've spent together and the way Barry knows they feel about each other this is only their second actual date.

After Len pays the check, he gives Barry a serious look over the table. He speaks so lowly that it's a little difficult to hear him over the controlled din of the restaurant.

"I've done plenty of things I- things that I'm not proud of." It doesn't escape Barry's attention that Len doesn't use the word "regret".

"I'm a criminal, Barry."

Barry swallows. "I know."

Even if it hadn't been in the forefront of his thoughts with everything that had been going on, that wasn't really a fact Barry could forget, but he had thought- no he hadn't really been thinking about it all. All he'd thought about was the good things that Len made him feel- warm, cared for, protected.

"You're important to me."

Len cups his face with one of his big hands, thumb rubbing across his cheek. Barry's not sure where the tight feeling in his chest has come from, but he thinks it has to do with the determined look in Len's blue eyes.

"You're important to me too." Barry doesn't know why he says it so softly, like a secret.

Len's frowns, but Barry can't read the expression on his face, isn't sure what's going on.

"Take care of yourself."

It's not until Len is out the door that Barry realizes he just got dumped.


	2. Chapter 2

Barry does end up going to STAR labs that night, but only to grab the suit- gone before Caitlin can even register he's there. He shouldn't have been dating Len in the first place- he _is_ a criminal, a killer, he'd almost killed _Barry_. Barry was an idiot for thinking their relationship could last any way, that Len had actually cared about him. But even if Len didn't care about him, why would he have broken up with him?

The city zips past at a speed that would have anyone else registering only a blur of lights. Barry's brain picks up and registers what seems like every little detail- the homeless man sleeping on the library bench covered by a mass of ratty blankets, the shiny new architecture of the museum, the employees closing down the restaurant that had been in the same spot for as long as Barry can remember. Maybe Barry had misunderstood him? After finding out each other's real world identities, he had shown up the second Barry called, even though he knew Barry worked for the police.

Although Barry knows he's the one moving, it still feels like the rest of the world has come to a standstill. The family of four in an old mini van, the young couple holding hands in the cold illuminated by a street lamp, the steam rising from a grungy food truck, the young woman about to step in a freezing puddle in expensive-looking heels. Barry pulls her a foot to the side and half a minute later he's out of the city. Why start a conversation like that and then just leave? Was it some misguided attempt to protect Barry? Or maybe it was because they hadn't had sex in so long, that had been how their relationship began after all. Barry's gut churns.

It's a clear night and just a few miles out of the city stars are visible on the horizon, the moon just a sliver. And why was Barry so upset anyway? They'd only been dating for four months, less taking out the time Barry hadn't spoken to him because he'd _murdered a theater attendant_.

"Barry?"

The voice comes as such a surprise that Barry trips over his own feet, just barely managing to skid to halt on his feet instead of his face. His heart races, stomaching swooping with anxiety.

"What."

Caitlin's voice is sharp over the comm. "I understand if you down't want to talk about whatever's going on, but you're showing signs of dehydration and hypoglycemia. You need to stop, drink some water, and eat something unless you want an ambulance to be giving you a ride home."

As if the words trigger it, Barry can see his vision blur before it clears again, head swimming. "Urgh."

"Barry?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. I'll talk to you later." Barry sits on the gravel and pulls down his hood. It's not Caitlin's fault that he feels like a lab rat. That he has no privacy. Still, it's hard not to feel irritated, alienated and smothered at the same time.

It hasn't been snowing however far he is from Central, wanting to expand his internal map but not having time. Barry lets the upper half of his body collapse backward. The air is still frosty, grass just starting to crystallize. Barry's breath comes out in great white clouds. Aliens and UFOs had never been one of his deep obsessions when he was younger, no matter what bullies had said about him, but he could still recognize the big dipper and Orion's belt. Tonight though, the stars seem to blur together. Barry lifts up his arms to frame the constellation in red, muscles feeling oddly weak. His fingers are shaking. Not vibrating- shivering. He lets his arms drop and his thoughts scatter. There's a tinny sound, but Barry can't concentrate, doesn't care to. His mind is blissfully blank.

"Wake up."

Lucidity comes in bits and pieces. He can hear Caitlin's voice, feel a hand on his back, feel something hard and cold at his mouth.

"Please Barry, you need to drink this."

Barry can't bring himself to open his eyes, but he lets his jaw drop. "Oh thank god." Swallows the water even when his guts churn. When he starts to choke on it he lifts a hand, so weak, to push her away. They're not in STAR labs, outside in some field with no recognizable land marks. Fear creeps down his spine.

"Did a meta-" his voice trails off at Caitlin's expression. She's wearing a short sleeved dress and there are goosebumps on almost all of her exposed skin.

"What happened?"

Caitlin glowers, tears welling up in her eyes.

"I don't know."

She throws her arms around him. "I don't know what happened, but don't ever do that to me again."

Barry forces down a few batches of Cisco's calorie dense monstrosity at Caitlin's insistence and is incredibly relieved that instead of throwing up as he'd feared, he starts to feel better. With his increased cognitive abilities Barry remembers what led him there.

"I didn't know what to do. I didn't even know if I'd be able to get to where you were with a car-" Caitlin babbles as she leads Barry to her little blue car, thankfully less than half a mile from where she'd found him, a little wobbly in heels over the uneven terrain. She's wearing the same kid of clothes she wears to STAR labs every day despite the incredibly informal atmosphere after the particle accelerator explosion. Barry isn't sure he'd seen her anything less than perfectly professional and put together.

Barry puts a hand on her arm and she stops.

"Thank you Caitlin, for coming to get me."

Caitlin presses her lips together and takes a deep breath through her nose.

"Of course." When they're inside the slightly less frigid of confines of Caitlin's car, she pauses before turning on the engine.

"You know you're not the only one who doesn't want to be home alone."

Barry looks out the window, noticing the frost starting to build up on the side mirror. It's not like his relationship problems were in the same league as Caitlin's. He'd call Len in the morning and straighten things out for better or worse.

"Yeah."

 

Barry's phone rings before he can make any calls, but it's not Len on the other end. Having the Flash's powers made Barry's day job infinitely easier. In the blink of an eye he could register just about everything in any given room- that the door had been broken open through solid force, not an explosion, that no cars had been removed from the garage in two days. Usually Barry as grateful to be able to skip over a lot of the tedium his job entailed, but this morning he's not feeling very gracious. Instead of a boon making up for his sleep deprived state, it's something that takes all the challenge out of putting a puzzle together. His mood doesn't improve when he takes a closer look at the pieces of the broken door on the floor.

Barry had never really forgotten his encounters with Captain Cold, how the man had tested _the Flash_ , but somehow the memories had slipped to a corner of his mind. With the Reverse Flash taking up so much of his thoughts, and the _desire_ to be with Len it had been easy to do. Now though, the anger rises hot and fast. Len had broken up with him so he could mess with the Flash. Or maybe he'd just been trying in some round about way to warn Barry that he was going to do this.

It's hard to take Dr. Well's advice, but logically he _is_ right. The Reverse Flash is his priority. And maybe things will deescalate if the Flash isn't involved.

"Hey, guys? Do you think you could keep this from Iris for awhile?"

Cisco raises his eyebrows. "... _Why?_ "

"She's got a lot on her plate with the move and everything, I just don't want to distract her."

And Barry hates it when Cisco and Caitlin share those looks, that say _we won't say anything, but are judging you so hard._

Caitlin catches his arm before he can leave.

"Are you and Iris okay? Is that what last night was about?"

"What? No- I mean yeah, why wouldn't we be?"

Of course when he get's to the precinct the first thing he sees is Len's mugshot on Eddie's computer. Right next to where Iris is standing. She tails him up the stairs and grabs his sleeve before they reach his lab.

"Have you talked to your boyfriend?"

"Joe is right there!" Barry hisses, but Iris is relentless. He sighs in huge burst of air. "Dr. Wells said that I should let the police handle it, not give him any attention." Iris raises an eyebrow. "Snart is a highly focused criminal mastermind not a petulant child. And I meant as Barry Allen, his _significant other_ not the Flash." Barry rubs his hands down his face. "I don't know what to do Iris, nobody was hurt, nothing was even _stolen_..." Iris frowns. "Bear, you probably shouldn't be working these cases as a CSI either."

Barry laughs a little hysterically. "Hey Captain Singh, I can't do this job I'm dating the perpetrator. Oh yeah, I also run around in a red suit acting as a superpowered vigilante."

Iris isn't impressed. "It's a serious conflict of interest."

"I would never hide evidence- look, Iris, I don't owe you an explanation. And how exactly are you in a position to judge me? Does Eddie know about your little confession?"

Iris' face shuts down and Barry winces, but doesn't take it back.

"You know what? You're right."

As Barry watches Iris walk away the feeling of helplessness rises up again, before the anger comes back. Iris had never understood his relationship with Len and was probably just dying to tell him how right she was.

Then he gets to listen to Joe talk about how he's changed. Insult the one man that's helped him the most throughout this entire ordeal, to achieve what he needs to be capable. After the excruciating conversations with both Wests, the anger fades to exhaustion and Barry is ready to never leave STAR labs again. No contact with the outside world.

Unfortunately he is an adult with a job and doesn't have that luxury. Barry steels his nerves and turns on his cell phone. No missed calls or messages. Barry is in no way ready to talk to Len, so the fact that he hasn't reached out shouldn't bother him, but Barry feels cold and alone. The Flash has always been more important than Barry Allen.

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to let me know about any editing/spelling errors :)

The plan is this: capture and question the Flash, take him out of the picture, then lift the painting. It's less than half of the time he usually takes between jobs, but the first half isn't exactly a _job_ and the second half is self admitted sentimentality. He'd missed Mick, even when he was still smarting over that last job.

Len wouldn't go into a job half cocked even with a time crunch, and the garage has about twenty contingencies, but the Flash is still so new that he calls Barry before hand just in case. Dinner isn't something he'd thought would require any sort of plan. So little of his tryst with Barry seemed to- things falling apart and falling back together. Len had learned with age to not force relationships of any kind, no matter how tempting it was to try and _control_. His time with Barry was a gift, something given not stolen, and against all odds it felt _easy_. Natural.

The guilt comes in a sharp stab, completely unexpected, and he flounders. Barry looks exhausted, but happy, and then something starts to crawl in Len's chest. He leaves as soon as he can, leaving Barry visibly confused. Remorse is not an unfamiliar feeling, but over Barry- that's new. Even when Barry had been trying to guilt trip him, Len had felt more irritated than anything else. And that situation had been inarguably more immoral than his current plan. Len was going after the Flash _because_ of Barry (for the most part).

Mick knows he's off when Len picks him up, but he doesn't comment and _that's_ new too. Until Len's plans turn into smoke. He'd been confident. The Flash may have superpowers, but he was predictable. Right up until he never showed.

Len's first instinct is to throw away his over lived-burner phone and do his best to wipe Barry entirely from his memory. He is absolutely a distraction, and Len's entire life had started to shift. 

His  _priorities_.

When Mick had started shooting at the police, Len's first thoughts weren't for how they'd be gunning for them now, but what Barry would think.  

Len should never have brought Mick in on this not something so delicate. It had been fun, before, adding such a complicating factor to his plans, kept him on his toes, before the last job. Now, Len is furious. With himself, for letting it happen in the first place, for  _caring_ so much.  With Barry, for making him. And with Mick.

"The cop's bullet ruptured the secondary internal fuel chamber. It could've been worse. You were right to get me to learn every part and circuit of this thing. Repairing it was... A snap."

"Give me one reason I don't kill you right now."

"It's gonna be hard to find someone else to listen to your winning speeches."

"You lost it out there, just like the last job. You lost focus, became obsessed."

"I'm obsessed? What about you? You're usually counting the seconds, got the whole thing planned out, dotting “t”s, crossing “I”s. But all you care about now is the Flash."

Len has a thousand and one reasons to _not_ tell Mick, but.

"It's not about the Flash, it's about my boyfriend."

"Your what?"

"I've been seeing someone."

"I thought you hated shrinks."

"I've been dating someone."

Mick side eyes him. "I thought that boyfriend thing was just an excuse to keep me from asking about your sister- wait. You're screwing a superhero? I don't know what kind of kinky foreplay you're into, but I do not want to be involved."

Len pinches the bridge of his nose, and points his gun at the ceiling. "Stop. Talking."

He's already regretting opening his mouth, but there's no closing the box now. "There's another speedster. One that's not such a do gooder. He's the real threat, and the Flash is the most obvious connection. My boyfriend's father was set up for crimes that this other speedster committed. The main goal _now_ is proof of reasonable doubt."

Mick is silent for long enough for Len to start worrying, but then he turns his gun to the painting.

 

Len is a little surprised (concerned) that Barry hasn't called to chew him out, but doesn't let it distract him. He's got a plan and his partner is on his side.

 

By the time Iris gets to her shift at Jitters, her anger and hurt over Barry's dismissal have abated, leaving her with the underlying worry. She hadn't pushed before, with Snart. Her jealousy was a big reason, but more importantly, he'd seemed to make Barry happy. Not only did Barry deserve to be with someone he loved, he also _needed_ something good in his life. Something for himself. So Iris had pushed down her instincts and stepped out of the way. Even now she didn't know how to talk to Barry, to help him with what had to be an incredibly difficult situation, because of her ill timed confession. Guilt eats away a little, for being a coward and not seriously confronting Barry about the giant mistake he was making, and now he had to deal with being that much more attached to a murderous criminal.

Distracted as she is, Iris doesn't notice Caitlin until after she's at a table. The man she's with is young and handsome, and Iris is happy to see her on a date until she notices the serious mood. Iris shakes her head and grabs a rag to wipe down the counter and machines. Just because it was a slow night didn't mean she had the right to spy on her friends. Still, with her past regret of not being more upfront with Barry, Iris can't help but catch Caitlin before she leaves. Something in her posture makes Iris want to wrap her up in a warm blanket.

"Hey there stranger, coffee for the road?"

Caitlin looks surprised to see her, but smiles wanly. "Oh, hi Iris. I didn't see you when I came in. I'm actually feeling pretty jittery as is, so no thanks."

"I was probably in the back. Are you doing okay?"

Caitlin bites her lip. "Yeah, I just-" she pauses tapping a finger against her leg. "Are you busy tomorrow? Maybe we could get lunch?"

"Sure, my shift starts at three, so any time before then. I could take a five if you want me to walk you to your car."

"Thanks, but that's okay. It's pretty frosty out there."

"Let me get you a hot chocolate then. On the house."

 

Iris text Caitlin in the morning and before the lack of response can make her worry the morning new flickers to another broadcast. Heart in her throat, she doesn't recognize the woman struggling in the background until Snart acknowledges her.

Caitlin. In the same clothes she was wearing the other night.

She scrambles for her phone and then runs a mad dash looking for her keys, but her dad doesn't pick up. Neither does Barry. Or Eddie. The station is bustling when she gets there, hushed conversations about the Flash all around.

"Iris! What are you doing here?" Despite the furrow between his eyes Eddie still has a smile for her. Unfortunately she's not feeling the same way.

"I came to find out what the hell is happening. I _saw_ Caitlin last night."

Eddie's face pales. "That could have been _you_ -"

"Eddie." Iris cuts him off. "Why didn't you tell me she was kidnapped? you know Caitlin's my friend."

"It's an ongoing police investigation, and we only found her car an hour ago." Before he can continue her dad cuts them off like an echo.

"Iris! What are you doing here?" Her dad asks like a perfect echo.

"Trying to figure out what the hell is going on. Where's Barry?"

All the sympathy she'd had for him had withered at her first glimpse of Caitlin's terrified face. Leonard Snart was a monster and Barry should have had him behind bars months ago.

"He's in his lab."

Eddie catches her arm before she can take her first step up the stairs, and with the anger coursing through her, it's enough to make Iris feel about ready to kill him, soft blue eyes and everything.

"She's going to be alright. You know I'm not the biggest fan of the Flash, but I still know he'd do just about anything to save someone in trouble."

Iris swallows and dials back her death glare. "You're right."

When Iris sees Barry she still wants to kill him, but the panicked rage has mellowed. When he sees her his face goes from solemn to wrecked.

"You were right." His voice croaks. "I should have done something. I thought..."

Iris crosses her arms. "You _are_ going to do something. And you've got the entire police force and a team that's going to help you."

Barry's lips thin and his eyebrows lower in determination.

"I am."

 

It takes a staunch refusal to listen to anyone else's opinion, but Iris does end up with her Dad and Cisco to find where Snart and his thug are keeping Caitlin. She knows that Barry can handle Snart. That he can handle being in the public's eye. The sick feeling of worry that is usually reserved for Eddie and her dad is all for Caitlin.

She clenches her fists as her dad opens the warehouse door. Leonard Snart is a planner, with contingencies and a lack of concern for human life. She sees Caitlin a second after Cisco does and a second too late. The adrenaline must make her faster because by the time she hears the click of a trip wire she's already racing past him. A second later her dad is yanking them both away to the floor and then-

Nothing happens.

"What the hell is that asshole playing at."

The bomb squad comes, over an hour later. The bomb was a dud.

 

Iris and Barry do get to talk eventually, and all of Iris' worry spills out.

"Of course your opinion matters to me Iris. I know your not that petty, and- really- I knew it was wrong. I knew something bad was going to happen. I don't _get_ to have-" He cuts himself off and Iris feels a little piece of her heart break along with his. "It's so messed up I feel _guilty_ for sending him to prison."

Iris swallows and bites the bullet. "You really have nothing to feel guilty for."

"I _know_ -"

"No, I mean you didn't send him to prison. they both escaped from the transport vehicle."


	4. Chapter 4

There's a lone kid sitting at other end of the bar, looking extremely out of place. Blue eyes bright enough to be visible under the dim lights and hair a little lank from grease. His clothes are expensive in that unnecessary way rich people flock to, but unwashed. The boots he's wearing are new, but clash oddly with his tight slacks. Blueblood through and through, with a recently lost fortune. His face is focused on the sticky surface of the bar, fingers playing unconciously with the rim of an empty glass.

Sylvia left over ten minutes ago, but Lisa hasn't moved from where she's standing, leaning against the dirty bar without a care for her leather jacket.

Lisa had been in a good mood the past week. The thought of returning to Central City had been an uncertain one, but she'd felt settled when she finally made the decision. Like she was moving forward with her life. Both she and Lenny had seemed to be in better, happier places in their lives and she'd been looking forward to spending time with him. Finally meeing his partner.

Mick had been a suprise- a near complete opposite to her brother- but she'd taken an almost instinctive liking to him. Lenny, unfortunately, had been near inconsolable after she picked them up. Something had happened, but neither man was willing to talk. Fed up and disappointed Lisa had tracked down Sylvia to Saints and Sinners. The interaction had decidedly not lifted her spirits.

When she recognised her Lisa first saw Sylvia's eyes tighten, then her mouth. Lisa froze only a moment in her stride, pulling up a grin she knew to be seductive enough to stop thought patterns in weaker mortals. Sylvia was too busy shoveling through her purse to notice. Lisa regret her decision to find Sylvia the second she opened her mouth, _pity_ in her eyes.

"Look, Lisa, I left Gotham to get away from insane criminal shit. I'll always owe you, but I can't deal with the crazy your brother is up to."

And with that Sylvia laid down a twenty on the bar and made her merry fucking way.

 

And to think Lisa had just been speculating about how good she'd felt lately. Lisa runs a gold painted fingernail down the slick bar. She's felt good most days the past couple years. But somedays she feels so bitter and spoiled, and she hates everyone who doesn't feel it. She want to touch them like he touched her, make them curdle in on their happy fulfilled lives and rot, just like her.

Marcy comes over with a rum and coke, an irritated expression on her face.

"From the one with a baseball cap."

There's a group of assholes sitting around a table with a perfect view of her ass. Lisa thinks about drinking it, drinking ten more and letting her brain turn into a pile of goo. She smiles sweetly at them, considers dumping the contents of the drink on his most likely greasy head and lighting him on fire.

When she feels destructive, Lisa likes to do something nice for someone. It's a habit she'd picked up from a sponsor. Doesn't make her feel any better, doesn't change the monstrous feelings in her core, but it does make her able to at least pretend to be nothing like her father. Unlike her other outlet. Lisa brings the drink to the poor sap with poor taste all around.

Up close, he looks even worse. Bags under his red rimmed eyes, recent weight loss. He looks at her with narrowed eyes, bites out, "Gay," as a quick dismissal. Definitely not an alocoholic then. Lisa pouts and slides the drink closer.

"If I was looking for sex do you really think I'd need to drug my prospects?"

The boy looks her up and down. "I don't know what kinky shit you biker weirdoes are into."

Lisa snorts. "Rude. I like you."

The kids lips curl and he looks away, a clear dismissal at odds to the hand that slinks over to slide the drink up to his mouth.

Perhaps a budding addict then. Lisa rolls her shoulders and slides onto a barstool down from her newest entertainment. Lisa doesn't feel the same need to prosthelytize and save other people from themselves the way other 12 step acolytes tend to. People are free to, and should, make their own decisions.

It was seven years ago that she'd pulled up to a girl on the side of the freeway. It had been the first and last time she'd picked up a hitch hiker. Sylvia had a split lip, bloody knuckles and an old backpack that was too worn and small to hold all her belongings. She'd been clutching the straps like by squeezing hard enough she could disappear.

Lisa didn't see that person at all tonight, and hates the pang of melancholy that hits her because of it.

Lisa rolls her eyes at herself and turns her attention back to the kid next to her. She lets a coy smile creep up the corners of her mouth, over the top flirtatious. "So what brings a guy like you to a place like this?"

 

Tied to a chair with Mick Rory breathing down the side of her face is the closest Caitlin feels to death since the particle accelerator explosion. Strangely, or perhaps not so strangely, one incident had reminded her of the other.

Seeing Cisco too shellshocked to be guilty yet. Caitlin hadn't been paying attention to him. Had been to overwhelmed to care, or maybe simply hadn't cared enough about him then. Ronnie had always been the friendly one, and Caitlin had... felt so alone when he died. Standing in STAR Labs minutes after feeling so terrified for herself, and then feeling so very empty. There had been no relief when it was over, only the slow process of building new relationships with Dr. Wells and Cisco.

Her actual brushes with death say nothing about the times she's wanted it though. In those early days, she'd wanted nothing more than to never have to enter her empty apartment again.

While in the custody of Snart and Rory, Caitlin had once again been terrified that she would die. This time though, Ronnie had been replaced by Barry. And this time Caitlin knew the pain of being left behind. When Rory threatens her, her thoughts turn to Ronnie engulfed in flames. She has the odd urge to reach out-

This time though, her brush with death doesn't leave her feeling alone and empty. Iris' warm hand never left her grip and Cisco's triumphant grin when reporting Barry's capture of her captors left a new feeling. Camrederie. And at that moment Caitlin knew with startling certainty that with Iris, Cisco, and Barry by her side, she'd find Ronnie again.

Iris squeezes her hand looking toward her dad as if to let go, and Caitlin has a moment of clarity.

"Iris." Her brown eyes are warm and compassionate, but theirs no pity there. Iris is Barry's best friend and must want to make sure everything is alright, but she's also Caitlin's friend. Caitlin can still feel the echoes of warmth from when Iris had tackled her to the side, trying deperately to get out of range of the non existent bomb.

"Can you stay over tonight?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like now is the time to clarify the "past drug addiction" tag. I don't mean to say that addiction is something that people can leave in the past, it's a disease, just that it won't be a big current issue

**Author's Note:**

> If you want to please feel free to let me know what you think!


End file.
